Purpose, Perspective, and Flirting

It's been so long since I've posted here that I feel like I have to do one of those journal entries where you catch up on the last decade of your life. When you were 12 those journal entries looked something like, "One thing led to another and I graduated from 6th grade..." Rather than give you all the lengthy details of the past year of our lives, I'm going to adopt my twelve-year-old writing style and say "one thing led to another" and my husband ended up going to medical school at St. George's University in the Caribbean. And that pretty much sums it up.

If any of you are like me, you know that this journey is full of wonderful highs and depressing lows. I recently stumbled upon a few pieces of wisdom that have helped me cope with this adventure. Hopefully they may be of some use to you.

1. Purpose

I'm not entirely sure why, but recently I've woken up feeling a little depressed. It may have something to do with not going into an office every day and feeling validated by hard work. It may be the fact that I'm a country away from family and friends. It may be that this is just something new and my soul is being stretched. Whatever the case may be, I heard a psychologist answering some questions during an interview recently about depression. She said something interesting about mild cases of sadness and depression. She said the cure is purpose. Even if you wake up sad and disinterested in life, if you have a purpose you can't possible stay in the rut. Your purpose won't let you. By purpose I don't mean a deeper philosophical purpose of knowing that God has a plan for your life (this is helpful, but I'm talking about something more tangible). Your purpose can be going to work and doing a good job. Your purpose can be cleaning your house, planning a fun activity for your kids, or visiting a friend. Your purpose can be volunteering in your community and helping someone less fortunate than yourself. The point is if you can't wake up in the morning and know what your purpose is today, then you're setting yourself up for failure. First piece of advice - figure out your purpose on a daily basis.

2. Perspective

After having a day of wallowing in my self pity, I took one of the youth from our church home from an activity at the church. As we pulled up to his little dirt road, I asked him some questions about his family. I never in a million years would have guessed his responses to my questions. This 17 year old boy is clean cut, happy, funny, smart and energetic. So you can imagine my shock when I found out that this boy's mother is in a mental hospital on the other side of the island, that he lives in a house by himself without electricity. He does his homework by the light of a flashlight and works hard so he can someday go to college. He lives alone in his house, without family by his side or food in his cupboards. He travels to his grandmother's house once a day to get a meal. But the rest of the time he is alone without light, food, or someone to say goodnight before he lays down to sleep.

I cried the whole way home after dropping him off. God in his infinite mercy humbled my selfish heart that night and reminded me that I'm pretty damn lucky. That boy hasn't been given a sliver of the opportunities and comforts that I have and yet he finds the strength to be positive, happy, and work toward a worthy goal. Sometimes getting through life as a med student wife is about perspective.


3. Flirting

The last thing that is helping me cope with this gig is being flirty. I know, you all think I'm nuts. You're probably right, but here's the deal. It's easy to complain about this boring plight of never seeing our husbands and devoting a decade of our lives to being their personal cheerleaders. It's also easy to get frumpy, grumpy, and ugly (trust me - I've gone weeks without looking pretty sometimes). This inevitably leads to self loathing, orneriness, and a complete lack of sex drive. You don't want to be intimate with your husband because you feel ugly inside and out.

My advice is to find a purpose, take a step back to breathe in a good dose of perspective, and start flirting with that handsome man you married. Kiss his neck and tell him how handsome he is. Pull him close and tell him your glad you have such a strong man to take care of you. He needs to hear how much you love him and you need to say it more than you know. He'll feel confident, you'll feel better about yourself, and your shameless flirting will bring more love into your home...and possibly unexpected pregnancies, but that's a topic for another day.

If you're still reading this you're a real trooper. None of us know each other that well, but I want you all to know that I love you. Thanks for being a support for me. Hang in there and enjoy this journey. We're all gonna be rich someday!!! (We all know that's a lie, but just keep telling yourself that.)

Nervous

Tuesday is the big day. Scott will be taking boards again and I can't begin to tell you how nervous I am. While I try to be as supportive as I can when he reports a barely passing score on a mock test, part of me panics. What does this mean? How can I be more supportive? Is this a sign that he shouldn't be a doctor? This is where faith comes in. I have to trust that God is faithful and have faith in my husband. Has anyone else hit speed bump after speed bump? Do the speed bumps ever stop? One thing I am very glad to have now is this blog because now I don't feel so all alone.

Quitter

Can I just quit? He has only been in med school since July and already Im sick of it--how pathetic am I?
Everything revolves around HIS schedule and even our weekends aren't free of some sort of obligation/activity/volunteer opportunity/commitment. I know I'm not being very supportive right now, but I'm so stressed out with having to take care of everything by myself that I want to scream.

We went to Kabul, Afghanistan for two weeks in May with Global Health Outreach to give free medical care to the people there. We took our own supplies and medications. We have been to Africa a couple times together before. This is a WHOLE new world for us, but it was great!
A look at city life in Kabul.
Country life, and nomads.
Chillin' with the school girls during lunch. I did some public health teaching that day. I loved it!
My hubby starting and IV to give antibiotics for a cellulitis infection. I tried, but I missed it! Grrrr. I was a little jealous at the time that he got it, and I didn't, but I got over it. Good job hon' :)
Ahhh on the LONG plane ride. Seriously, we had such a scare, I thought we were going down. I now am more terrified of plane rides, than actually being in Afghanistan!

Also, FYI.....only a small percentage of muslims are terrorists. :) I loved, loved, loved the people there! What an awesome opportunity we had. We have thought about going back this spring, depending on the current situation with the war at that time.

If you want to see more pics....just ask! I have over 300!

New Template?

Hello ladies,

So, I was just thinking....is there anyway we could put maybe an aqua poppy design on our blog page? I don't know how these group blogs work, (not the most tech savvy girl out there) but thought it might look neat. :) Funny, but I love enjoying new templates!

Anyway, just an idea.

I might as well update too! Been awhile. :) I don't think I have posted since we went to Afghanistan in May. We are back....no worries! I will post a few pictures.

Hubby is in the third semester, and I guess have heard the hardest? I don't know, you hear all kinds of things. Pathology and Pharmacology seems to be tough anyway, but doing great! I agree with the previous poster....support is EVERYTHING! My hub is always telling me he needs and loves my support. Even just refilling his coffee cup, or staying up with him until 2am. (like last night, oh boy am I feeling it!) They need it girls!

Also, I have a question. Especially for those who have kiddos. :) What do you all do for date nights, and how often? Do you have to schedule them way ahead of time? Dustin and I haven't been on one yet this semester, and we are feelin' the need. Plus, his birthday is next week! I think we are just planning on having a coffee date and taking a walk (probably a chilly one) around Grey's lake in Des Moines. Any other ideas in general?

Thanks! Bring on the posts ladies! I've been looking for them!

Derricca

Status Update

As a follow up to the previous blog, I just wanted to mention something my M1 came home today and said to me. He walked in the door and said "I am so glad that you are so supportive. I couldn't do this without you." Like some of you girls mentioned, being there for your guy is important to their success (and yours). The other night, he hit a speed bump and felt overwhelmed. I rubbed his back and whispered words of encouragement. Two days later, I had a terrible day at work. My sweet husband offered to give me a back massage (this is extremely rare ladies, I dont think you understand the magnitude of this gesture). I have learned so much about selflessness and support these short few months and I hope to grow more in this respect as our life changes over the next few years. I am trying my best to make our home a sanctuary from the stresses of medical school, but I'm not perfect.

C received his white coat last weekend (they make it into a ceremony at his med school to mark their transition to professional and the start of their patient hands-on experience) and I couldn't be more proud. His mother said the last time she was on campus, my husband was a year old. Maybe in another 22 years we will return to the same campus with our child to continue the tradition :).

Updates - On the Other Side

Well, we are not a med school family anymore but I thought I would respond to Camille's update request because we are first years of sorts - just doing the first year of residency. In a lot of ways it is similar because we have moved to a new location and had to start fresh with building community and finding our way around.

I have to say that the one thing that I am learning so far is that being a resident's wife (or med-school wife) requires a lot of selflessness. I suppose this is true for ALL relationships but I do think that the time requirements demanded of young Dr.'s makes this attribute all the more important (and more difficult to practice!!).

Now I am definitely not saying I am anywhere CLOSE to being a selfless and perfectly supportive wife, nor am I saying that the WIFE is the only one who needs to be selfless. I am just finding that the more I try to see things through Jeff's eyes, the easier things go for our family. (And when I am supportive of him, he is better able to support me and meet my needs.)

So anyway, now I will explain. Like many of you, our past few months have felt like a hurricane. We had our first baby in January, bought our first house and both graduated (me from a master's program) in May, moved to a new state in June, started a residency and got a puppy in July...and so on. And like many of you first-year med students whose husbands are studying ALL THE TIME, I am adjusting to having a husband who has a CRAZY schedule. This past week I had a few really lonely and stressful days and I really felt frustrated that my husband wasn't there (either on call, tired from being on call, or distracted by his to-do list) to support me in the ways that he had been able to in the past. One day it hit me (duh!) that he too was going through some ENORMOUS life changes and that he was trying to perform well at his job on top of caring for our family. When I saw that he was walking through situations that were different from mine but just as challenging (if not more because he has way less free time than I do), it really made me think about how I could be more supportive of him. And as I worked to see things with those thoughts in mind, I found that I was less stressed, more understanding and our communication was much better because I didn't have a chip on my shoulder.

One of our other Tagalong members - Sarah A. said once that she tries to make sure that her home is always the place that her husband looks forward to coming home to. I thought this was great advice.

Again, I don't mean for this advice to make it seem like resident's wives or med-school wives need to sacrifice everything to make sure that their husbands are perfectly content or happy, but I am finding that I am happier too when I am less focused on my own needs. Helping my husband out enables him to better support me as well.

My only other advice for first years - GET INVOLVED and find a group of women or friends to support you when your spouse is busy! LECOM had a great Spouse Support Group and I am sure most other schools do as well. It is great to have friends who are in a similar situation and can allow you to vent and support and encourage you through a busy time of life. Sometimes it means putting yourself out there and inviting your way into things (I am starting that all over!!) but it is worth it.

God Bless and good luck!