September 13, 2011

I'm No Superman

Is it totally rediculous that I get emotional during the theme song of Scrubs? Probably, since it is a sitcom. I started to write this post on my own blog but to be honest I am embarrassed for my own readers to critical of me and know how much I struggle with being a partner to a doctor. I am realizing that I watch the show Scrubs almost every day because I miss my husband, and somehow getting to know the characters makes me feel closer to him and feel like I am a part of his residency experience. Its pathetic that sometimes I am even watching it when he is home, but to be honest I don't feel like he is truly home because if he were I would not feel so alone. I am trying to get involved in activities so I can meet people and fill this gap where my relationship with my spouse should be. I smile and say hi, but my eyes are still frowning. Right about now someone it thinking "Wow this girl needs some couple's therapy!" Well, that would be nice but my spouse really does not have the time, energy, or desire to work on our relationship right now. So that really only leaves me with one choice, I decide accept the marriage I have right now and accept if I want there to be anything left of this relationship by the time this crazy medical journey is over I need to step up and take on more than 50% of the work it takes to keep it together. I may not be Superman, but I'm going to have to try to do this all on my own.


Keely said...

I actually really do love that part of the song. I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly right now. We do get piled with an extra load when it comes to making a marriage work- you can do it...I promise. The tough times will come and pass and come again and pass again. Every marriage has struggles, it will only make it harder if you assume your husband is the only one who doesn't have the extra time to put in his fair share. Just make sure that if these feelings last too long that you let him know...he may be able to help more than you think.

Stay tough :0) and watch some more Scrubs- or maybe find your own guilty pleasure that has more to do with your interests. I banned myself from Scrubs for a little while because I wanted to stop acting like my life was medicine- throw yourself into a book or a television series that has nothing to do with medicine... it really helped me.

(BTW- I'm aware I have no experience with residency yet- but I do know what it's like to come second to medicine)

Mel said...

I don't have experience with residency yet either, but I do understand how medicine can strain a marriage. You are not alone--we all have a much harder time coping with this than any of us let on in our personal blogs.

We are in MS2, and MS1 was spent feeling angry at medicine and bitter that I felt I was the only one who cared about our relationship (not true).

Over time I began to accept that our relationship in med school wasn't going to be the same as before, and that that's okay. Relationships change all the time for lots of reasons. I mourned our old relationship a bit, then moved on, realizing that we'll come out of this process stronger individually and as a couple. <---I still have to remind myself of this some days.

I try to find distractions, hobbies, TV shows, books, anything to keep my brain from stewing over my lack of husband. It also helped me to accept that even though I'm like 80% in charge of taking care of our relationship, it doesn't mean my husband is uncaring/lazy. He's busy lovingly building a future for our family. And women tend to be the relationship caretakers anyway, no matter the husband's career. I'm still working on it, but all these reminders help me.

Hang in there!! :)

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon this blog after visiting a friend's site and I have to admit it is kinda of a downer. A bunch of women complaining about missing their husbands while they pursue a career.

My husband and I are both in medical school and we absolutely love it. And when I say WE, i don't mean it like some posts in this blog do as in "he is in med school and I'm coping". I mean he is an MS3 and I am an MS2. We met in college and it turned out we both had a passion for medicine. We got married the weekend before he started med school. We love our career paths and the opportunity to have a positive impact on people's lives. It is a hard and arduous course which is why we support each other unconditionally and avoid blaming our shortfalls on the busyness of our daily schedule. We also try to keep a marriage of equals, by that i mean we both cook, do laundry, change the oil in the car without complains or discrimination.

My advise to you is to find something to call your own and feel passionate about so that your brain doesn't turn to mush while your husband's thrives. Find a passion to occupy your time and your mind, one that you are proud of, love and are willing to invest time in, just like your husband invests time in school. Build a nonprofit, learn photography, start a small business, write a cookbook (i started a cooking and photography blog while in school and I love it).

Strive to be strong women, and help your men not just by cooking and doing his laundry but by stimulating his intellect by learning about what he is learning and talking to him about it to make it seem as if you appreciate his efforts and his career (since in the end, it will probably be thanks to this joint effort that you'll be able to have a prosperous and secured livelihood).

I did a quick search for support groups for husbands of women in medical school and came empty handed, however, the opposite is not true for women whose husbands are in school. Don't you find that at least a bit curious?

I really wish you the best of luck because it is a really LONG path and residency is not a cakewalk.

In the end, there are always times when we may feel lonely and bored but let those be the exception and not the rule.

Now back to study!

Jessica Renee said...

My fiancé is an MS1 and at the beginning coping with medical school was a piece of cake. Lately though it has been anything but easy. I've been angry and bitter and feeling very very alone despite his every effort to include me in his medical life. He got accepted to medical school in the area where I grew up, an area that I swore I would never move back to ever again. Yet here I am. I'm trying to make the most out of being here but I feel completely miserable despite my efforts. We are getting married this coming June and after this past month the idea of getting married and having to continue dealing with this scares the daylights out of me. Does it get any better? I've made a few friends with some of the other medical wives but I feel like a lot of our time is spent complaining about medical school. I have heard that the first year is the most difficult. Is this true? Does it get any easier?

Brewer Family said...

Hey, new follower here. My sister in law showed me this tonightm they're 2 yrs ahead of us :) mu husband is a 2nd yr OMS. I think we just need to remember the biggest thing they need is support, and sometimes they get caught up in school like we get overwhelmed with life and home. There will be times where both spouses feel they're giving more then the other, etc. But you have to keep going! I try to remember or think of life if I didn't let him pursue his dream and passion to serve others and how different it would be. It helps to me really be excited for him and his possibilities to serve others, and for me to be involved in the field later. We try to do volunteer work together that benefits him in school as well. I really struggled after getting married and dealing with my husband starting medical school, I came from a family of mechanics, horses and a lot of play, so it wasn't something I understood AT ALL. During our first yr I almost lost a sister who is handicapped, and during finals of first year we had a child who we've almost lost multiple times due to health issues from a birth defect (now 6 mths and home doing great, but we have lots of nurses, therapists and equipment in our home) had to move twice over the summer, since we moved for school yr 2-4 and they transferred us back to the city cuz of our son two days before school. Thank goodness for the ronald mcdonald house at the hospital :) I was hospitalized last week where I was really close to having to be intubated, it was scary (home now, long recovery ahead), and we have a three year old. Its been a year of trials but I'm amazed at how my husband can not only do what I do with the emotional side of dealing with our home problems and medically fragile child, but do so well in school, and still manage to clean the house while I sneak out for a breath of air. As women, we NATURALLY run ourselves into the ground trying to be the best for everyone, including our children. We need to find the beauty in ourselves and the work were doing in creating these amazing men and children and helping them through school!! But don't be afraid to ask for a babysitter, take a warm bath, buy yourself a coke and red box, or even just cry and communicate with ur husband. But most importantly take care of yourself occasionally! We can't take care of people if were not taking care of ourselves ohysically, mentally and (if you're religious or not) spiritually. Unfortunately I learned the hard way and got really sick. Its refreshing to see others struggle as well...makes me feel normal instead of crazy!! :) best of luck ladies!

Newlymeds said...

Great site! I really have enjoyed reading everyone's stories!

Anonymous said...

I love reading these comments and seeing the honesty through each line. I can definitely understand how difficult it is because I am right there with you.

Jessica Renee: It WILL get better. Each year definitely has it's struggles- but there is an end. My husband and I were not married in first year- we were doing long distance- but second year was a huge adjustment for me. My advice is simple. FIND YOURSELF. it seems that a lot of these ladies are saying the same thing- but it really is the only way. Your life does not have to be medicine. Do things that make you..YOU. The best way to do that is find someone who can help you with this journey- a true girlfriend. I know every minute that he has free you want to be there to spend- but that is unhealthy. You have to do what is best for you: a walk, run, yoga, coffee, anything than waiting around for a free minute.

I can promise you it gets better- but you have to be responsible for your own happiness rather than waiting on someone else to do it for you! As I write I realize it is much easier said than done- but I truly do encourage you/all of us to find what makes us unique!

Andrea said...

Hello! I'm a med wife! I'm so glad I'm not alone in this crazy thing called medical school.
Anyway, I have a blog too.
My email is
Can I be included in this??